


Revenge

by Kaishakai



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Humor, Minor crackfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-12-28
Updated: 2014-04-28
Packaged: 2017-11-22 18:03:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/612664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaishakai/pseuds/Kaishakai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone already knows not to mess with Natasha, but who can resist a prank every now and then? Well, they really should have resisted this one. The team made the mistake of touching her things, so now Natasha is getting even in the best way possible.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. How It All Began

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so forewarning, I obviously took some liberties here but this is fanfiction so some liberties are allowed. First and foremost, I know when Bucky comes back he doesn’t have any memory beyond his latest wakeup but here he retains all memories. For the intentions of this series, we’ll say he went through some intense counseling sessions at SHIELD before he was released and leave it at that.

There are five key rules that every agent at SHIELD knows to follow. In order they went:

5\. Don’t piss off Maria Hill, she would make your life an ever-living  
hell through hellish and gravity defying training simulations.

4\. Don’t piss off Nick Fury, he would not kill you but he would set  
you in the most backwater place he could think of that was not on  
anyone’s map and make you wish he had killed you.

3\. Don’t piss of Phil Coulson, the man was a robot and he would bury  
you under so many years’ worth of paperwork that everyone would  
forget your very existence.

2\. Don’t piss off Clint Barton, your life would become a never ending  
torment of serving as a target board for any potential projectiles in the  
immediate area, meaning anything and everything.

1\. Don’t piss of Natasha Romanoff, your life would end in a slow and  
gruesome death either through painful and bloody torment or by a  
slow and measured descent into madness.

To break one rule was tantamount to breaking three because Fury, Hill, and Coulson were the Legendary Three who always watched each other’s backs, at the same time Coulson, Natasha, and Clint were the A-Listers and SHIELD’s most skilled team who always took up for and protected one another. Do something just right though, and you might as well have broken all five in which case you would be better off killing yourself. 

However, no one told the star-squad this. The star squad’s whole goal in life seemed to be being a pain in Director Fury’s ass under the guise of protecting the Earth’s citizens. It had taken SHIELD months to clean up Manhattan after the Trickster, Loki, opened the portal and from there on it became a trend. One thing after another, whether the ‘Avengers’, as they were known, were together or not, chaos seemed to follow them. Even a year later and it was still happening, much to Fury and Hill’s collective dismay. 

Thankfully, Coulson was back on full duty after weeks of intensive care followed by months of rigorous rehab. Turns out that Fury had lied to the Avengers and held off on correcting his mistake until after he knew for sure Coulson would pull through. Since his return, the Avengers sorely tested his patience and ability to withstand stressful and patience-trying events. Just three weeks ago had resulted in such a disastrous mission that the Avengers were actively sent on separate missions so they could gain some perspective on their ‘respective abilities to excel in increasingly dire and grim circumstances’ and to use that perspective to ascertain an ‘innocuous and economical way of resolving calamities which would result in lower collateral damage.’ After what happened in New Jersey, she could not blame Director Fury or Assistant Director Hill for their decision and she certainly did not blame Coulson for agreeing to it. 

SHIELD spent two weeks cleaning up after Fury’s star-squad, known as the Avengers to the surrounding world and a pain in the ass to a good portion of SHIELD and most criminal masterminds, decided that unleashing the Hulk in a nursing home was not that bad of an idea. Well, it was more Clint and Tony with the support of a mildly confused Thor. So what if the nursing staff were all shape shifters who fed off human memories, the home was still full of several dozen elderly people and while the shifters may have killed two or three people a month, the Hulk no doubt killed at least twenty by sending them into a cardiac arrest brought on by the sheer fright of seeing the giant green rage monster tearing through the walls. 

Banner may have felt bad after the fact and Captain America had apologized profusely while glaring disapprovingly at Tony who snarked that the old people were going to die soon anyway because of how ancient they were and that at least they were able to die with their memories intact- well, the ones who didn’t have Alzheimer’s that is. Sure, he was being glib to cover how bad he really felt, but he did not have to snark off the way he did and subsequently piss off not only the families of the deceased but several civil rights groups. 

Still, she could have handled that. Fury was still a bit upset over it and Coulson had almost blown a gasket when he heard, but Natasha Romanov could still handle it. After all, she had been partnered with Clint “Hawkeye” Barton for nearly nine years so she was used to putting up with certain antics. But the Avenger’s sorely tested her patience and were constantly toeing that very fine line, keeping just shy of breaking any of the Golden Rules. 

Hulk smashing buildings and collecting a huge sum of collateral damage charges? No problem, so long as he did not try to smash her again. 

Captain not having a clue what a woman meant when she asked if he wanted to sample her goodies? No problem and hilarious to watch, and she could even deal with his like of old things since she had a similar propensity, just as with the need to stay up all night demolishing a week’s worth of punching bags despite them being reinforced to withstand super soldier strength. Once more, she was there alongside him though with less damage dealt. 

Thor popping in and out at odd times of the day and with complete irregularity? She could handle that seeing as to how he was a prince from another realm who no doubt had several imperial duties- they were lucky to have around as much as they did. And as for his habit of walking around in the buff? No skin off her nose- he had a wonderful form that was the height of perfection. 

Clint having an inclination to hide in air vents and jump out onto unsuspecting agents? She could most certainly handle that, especially after nine years of having time to adjust to it. After all, it was not like he ever managed to sneak up on her and she had a similar habit of her own. Besides, he did share his vent space which was a sign of trust in her books. And anything involving ruffling Stark or hazing probie agents was a treat. 

Tony and Bruce’s constant need to experiment, though? That was right on the line. Having a coffee machine that gets mad and douses you with boiling hot coffee because you want a plain black coffee with three sugars and two creams instead of some ridiculously frilly mocha-latte whatever, that is not okay. Them thinking that tinkering with radioactive isotopes in the lunchroom was completely safe and that oh yea, that giant blob of carnivorous cream cheese icing was totally not their fault? Oh, that was the line itself and it was beyond not okay. Could it not have been chocolate or funfetti, lemon even? 

But where she absolutely drew the line, what broke THE Golden Rule, and where she refused to budge no matter what Fury or Hill or even Coulson said, was having her things messed with. She was raised to be an assassin; the Red Room made it a point while training her to ingrain the fact that she was simply a skilled asset whose sole purpose in life was to do as ordered. Her ledger was so bathed in blood that it dripped in a steady stream. She doubted if she could ever balance it out enough but SHIELD was giving her the opportunity to try and with that opportunity came the realization that while she was still a skilled asset, she was also a human being and was treated as such. There are very few things that she considers hers and that she cares for- things that were not issued by SHIELD or that were not needed for a mission, that were gifts from Clint, Coulson, Hill, or Fury or that she had bought for herself for no reason other than she liked it. Okay, so most of the items can be categorized as weapons, but that is just the type of girl she is- she’s a master assassin for fuck’s sake. The point is, her things are hers and while she knew that having the entire team move into Stark Tower, now dubbed the Avenger’s Tower, was a huge mistake- nothing like having them all together to make one big, huge target- she still went ahead and agreed in the end mainly because Clint convinced her it could be fun to prank the other Avengers and because Coulson ordered her under the threat of making her do her own paperwork and releasing one very embarrassing video which she had yet to requisition even years later. 

Everyone knows better than to so much as peek into her room unless they want to chance a knife through their hand. So, when Natasha Romanov returned from her mission in Taiwan and found her room still locked up tight, she breathed a bit easier. Then she entered and saw what had been done. 

Natasha went down to the communal living room and glared around the sitting area, taking in its occupants. Clint was stretched out across one couch, his leg propped up on a pillow- turns out there are jumps the ex-carnie cannot do without breaking his ankle. No doubt medical refused to hold him or he had already escaped their care because Clint on a normal day was heinous enough but Clint in a cast was beyond even the most stoic of medical professions. Thor was actually present for the first time since the Nursing Home Incident, sprawled out in the chair next to Clint while Jane sat perched on the armrest, leaning over to talk to Bruce who was snuggled up with Darcy on the second couch. He and Tony were the only two left in Manhattan, Tony because he lived there and Bruce because Fury did not want to chance him running off again. 

The second armchair was empty, no doubt Tony’s seat before he got up to pour himself another glass of scotch. The third couch was facing away from her buy it was easy to identify the blond tuft of hair peeking over the side. Seems Steve had made it back from his mission in Peru and judging by the flecks of dirt and hints of smoke, he was as newly returned as her. 

Glad that everyone was gathered in one place for once, she quickly smoothed her face out and pulled on her calmest mask as she waltzed in. 

“Who did it?” 

Her voice was calm as she appeared and she took a perverse sense of pleasure when Clint tensed and Tony startled with a small noise that distinctly sounded like ‘eep’. Everyone else looked up and made various noises and motions of welcome. Clint slowly sat up, eyes wary. Everyone else may be oblivious, but Clint knew her well enough now to recognize her moods. She may be mouthy and open any other time and usually the madder she was the louder she got. But when she was at her maddest, she always went quiet. 

Clint did not know what had happened to get her so made so fast, but he had only ever seen Tasha this mad once and he still had nightmares about it on the odd occasion. As unobtrusively as he could, he lowered his leg to the floor and slowly stood, his hands out for her to see that he meant her no harm. 

“Tasha,” He started quietly. 

“ _Nien_ ,” She cut him off. “Get out Barton, I know it was not you. You are not that stupid.” 

“Whatever they did, I’m sure they deserve whatever you have planned, but we have a new guest.” His smile turned wicked as he dipped his head towards the couch Steve was on. “We don’t want to scare him just yet, do we?” 

Her eyes narrowed as she came to a stop in the center of the sitting area. Turning, she took in Steve who was not as dirty as she had surmised but what she was not expecting was the man occupying the other end. 

Opposite Steve, feet propped in the super soldier’s lap, was a man she recognized instantly. The metal arm was a deep shade of blue, with a white star adorning the shoulder and it was almost reminiscent of Tony’s Iron Man suit, only more human than machine. His hair was shorter than last she saw him, all of it was of even length for once, and he almost appeared younger with his face so relaxed. He was at ease, she realized dimly, he did not have to worry about anyone here attacking him and he knew it. 

“James Barnes,” She greeted softly. 

The Winter Soldier, also known as Sergeant James Barnes, ‘Bucky’ to his closest friends, smirked and tipped his chin in greeting. 

“Natalia,” He greeted. “And you can simply call me Bucky.” 

She tipped her head in acknowledgement, “Natasha.” 

His smirk turned into a full blown smile as he chuckled, “So, the pirate decided that I wasn’t a threat to this little gathering and shipped me off in the hopes that you bozos could keep me a bit sane. Thought interacting with real people might improve my ‘mental stability’.” 

“More like send you running to the loony bin,” Bruce muttered lowly with a small smile. 

“Hey, we are not that bad,” Darcy objected and winked at the Soldier. “Besides, Steve will protect him from us and keep Tony in line without breaking a sweat, right hot stuff?” 

Steve smiled warmly at the brunette, not the least bit bothered by her nicknames after nine months of sharing the Tower with her. “I don’t know, Buck can be a hand full sometimes.” 

“Yea right, kid, I wasn’t the one who was always picking fights in back alleys,” Bucky snorted as he poked Steve in the side with his foot. “You still haven’t learned how to back out of a fight.” 

Natasha watched as Steve and Bucky bantered back and forth, taking a moment to absorb this new aspect. She seldom saw her mentor relax and the few times she had were nothing on how he was with Steve. But no matter how happy she was to see him, she could not let the current crime slide. 

She smirked before clearing her face once more. “I wish to know who did it. Who was the _tupoy ublyudok_ -”

“Nat,” Clint spoke softly as if to a spooked colt. At some point he had managed to creep closer without her noticing. She was not pleased by this. 

“Barton, leave now or you will be included,” She raised an eyebrow, daring him to doubt her. 

Clint glanced at the others who for the most part were oblivious. The only one who seemed to have a clue was Bucky who gave him a quick dip of the head, his eyes saying clearly, ‘Run now while she’s letting you’ as he got up and left. 

“Steve, it was nice catching up,” He said on his way out. “Hopefully she doesn’t hurt you too bad.” 

No one else realized how serious of a situation they were in but Clint was going to follow the Soldier’s lead. He shrugged apologetically at his teammates but took his chance to escape. He was not sure what the others had done but he most certainly did not want to wait around to find out and chance getting caught in Natasha’s revenge. Last time that happened, all of his bows were covered in glitter astroglide, even the ones he kept stored off base. It took him weeks to clean them of the glittery oil and back in working order. So if it meant saving his precious babies then yes, he would abandon his teammates to Tasha’s wrath. His babies always came first. Hell, he was even willing to help. 

Back in the sitting room, Natasha continued to glare around the room. 

Steve raised a hand, his brow wrinkled in confusion, “What did Bucky mean about you hurting me? What’s going on?” 

Natasha ignored his question as she observed the room as a whole. Tony was back in his seat, lounging carelessly with a tumbler held loosely in one hand. “Once more, who did it?” 

All of them gave her blank and oblivious looks, like none of them had a clue what she was talking about. On Thor, it was a natural look because while the big lug was not an idiot, he was still on the uptake outside of battle. Steve was another given but she knew he was nowhere near as innocent as everyone assumed him to be- especially if he was such close friends with Bucky. Then there was sweet little Bruce who usually serves as the voice of reason until Tony wore away at him. Last was Tony who revels in causing trouble whenever he manages to slip Pepper’s radar and his attempt to appear innocent just made him look that much more guilty. 

As much as she wishes she could simply identify who did it by what was done, she cannot because it is not below any of them. She could even believe that Darcy had helped if in no other way than convincing Bruce to do it. 

“To what do you speak of, Lady Nat?” Thor inquired as he wrapped an arm around Jane. 

She arched an eyebrow before looking past him. 

“Dude, whatever whoever did, it was not me!” Darcy denied instantly, looking to Bruce for support. 

The scientist shifted uncomfortably and offered one of his shy smiles. “As much as I wish I could vouch for you, I can’t. Ninety-eight percent of the time if something goes wrong, it’s either you, Tony, or Clint.” 

“Or some variation of the three,” Steve offered helpfully. 

“Hey, I take offense to that,” Tony piped up from where he was lounging. “We agreed that all damage incurred is split evenly among us which means I’m only responsible sixteen-point-six-six-six percent of the time, unless it’s something good at which point I am positively twenty-eight-point-five-seven percent responsible.” 

Steve shifted to face away from Tony with a small eye roll. “What did they do now?” 

His voice was so blatantly pleasant and open that she almost stabbed him on principle alone for seeming so sweet. The only thing stopping her is the thought of the look on Bucky’s face when he discovered she had stabbed his best friend for being nice. However, no matter how nice he was, she would not fall for it, not this time. Narrowing her eyes, she swept her gaze around the room one last time. 

Everyone shifted in some way but none made a comment. Nodding to herself, decision made, she uncrossed her arms, turned and left. 

“You have until midnight to confess,” She called behind her. 

“What happens after midnight?” Jane cried out, confusion thick in her voice. 

Natasha leaned back against the wall of the elevator and sent the room a calculating smile. “No need to worry, Jane, I’m sure you weren’t involved either. But you, Clint, and James are the only ones exempt until someone confesses.” 

“Hey, what about me?” Darcy yelped. “Am I exempt?” 

“No.” 

The doors closed after the sharply barked word and if the remaining occupants of the room let out a unanimous shiver at the icy tone, they were all willing to ignore and deny it. 


	2. Day 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story started out as a joke, but it seems that it is morphing into something else. But, that is for later, for now, here is chapter 2 in which Natasha gets a little vengeance and Clint gets a tiny bit mistreated for no reason other than I thought it would be funny. Not a whole lot has changed in this chapter. Actually, nothing at all has changed but no worries, the next chapter will have a few for you. Enjoy!

Clint did not know what the others could have done to piss Tasha off so much, but whatever it was it was huge, colossal, perpetually Armageddon worthy judging by the serene smile she met him with when he stumbled out into the kitchen the next morning. He knew that smile. It was not good.

“Sleep?” He asked her simply, inquiring if she had slept yet.

She offered a soft hum of denial as she sipped her coffee. Again, not good. Natasha coming off a regular mission is bad enough, add in no sleep and it gets worse, a mission where the last sixty-four hours were spent running and fighting is horrendous, but add in no sleep? They were all fucked.

He grabbed his coffee and quickly made to leave but stopped when he saw one of his teammates come stumbling out of the elevator. He had to do a double-take to be sure that what he was seeing was in fact real before he whipped around to stare incredulously at her.

“Tasha?” He inquired and she practically purred, purred.

After that, there was no way in hell he was going to miss this. He limped back to the table and plopped down beside her while Bruce slowly made his way into the kitchen. The scientist mumbled a greeting to both of them and Clint had to hide behind his cup. He knew Natasha came off as this serious and deadly fem fatale, which she was, but she also knew how to play a prank and she certainly knew how to get revenge. But this? This was just awesome.

The elevator dinged to alert them of a new arrival and he gleefully turned to look, only to choke on his coffee as he saw who it was.

“Oh my God, you did not,” He sputtered.

“They deserve everything they get,” Natasha replied flatly as Thor and Jane came in together.

“Good morning my friends,” Thor greeted them brightly. “Did you all sleep well?”

“I was dead to the world, man,” Clint hacked out, trying his hardest not to laugh.

Jane made straight for the coffee machine, making grabby hands the whole way as she stumbled along like some brain dead zombie. Science girl before coffee was not a pretty thing and Clint had learned early on that she would become the very zombie she acted like if you tried to interfere. He had a scar on his wrist to prove it.

Bruce waited for her to pass before he came rushing around the table to help Clint. He halted mid-step when his eyes caught on Thor. “Good Lord, Thor, your hair…”

Thor turned to look at him, “What of it?”

“It’s- it’s gone,” Bruce gaped, “Well, most of it.”

“It looks like Tony had at it,” Clint laughed, “It’s like Tony Stark meets Iron Man.”

Thor frowned in confusion and reached to touch his usual ponytail. His frown darkened when he did not encounter his usual long locks and turned to peer at a mirrored wall hanging. His hair, while once long and golden, was now cut short and styled like Tony’s and was liberally streaked with crimson red.

“What trickery is this?” Thor demanded, turning back to face them, pointing at his head. “Who did this? What have you done to my hair?”

“Come on, big guy, it looks good on you,” Clint said, trying his hardest to calm down. “Besides, the red matches your cape.”

At that, any hold he had was broken and he fell over laughing.

Even Bruce gave a twitch of amusement before Thor focused on him. “And what of you, good doctor? Your hair is the color of our large friend. Is this some Midgardian ritual I know not of?”

Any amusement Bruce might have had died as he turned to study his reflection in the toaster. Because yes, his hair was indeed green.

“I think you both look wonderful,” A voice spoke breezily. “Veritable improvement, really, Point Break, you were looking a bit Middle Age-ish.”

“It is a custom of Asgard, my hair is a mark-”

“Well, unfortunately, here on Earth, long hair makes you look like a fruitloop and while that may get you more interest than Widow and Captain Prude combined, it isn’t generally a good look anymore. Even our resident psycho cut his hair.” Tony smiled at them cheerfully as he moved past them to the coffee machine. “As for Bruce’s hair, are we sure it’s not an effect of the Other Guy? Maybe we should run some tests and see if maybe this is his way of saying ‘hi, I’m still here, let’s go out and play and smash some more buildings’.”

Clint’s eyes traveled over the reformed playboy and gave him an intent study, looking for any signs of what Natasha had inflicted on him. Tony must have caught him looking because he offered a wide grin and leaned back against the counter.

“Sorry, Longstride, I know I may be the hottest thing on this planet, probably the entire universe, but you’re just not my type. Probably Natasha’s though if you want to chance an encounter with her killer thighs.”

Nathasha’s eyes darted to Tony and he continued to grin unrepentantly, making her roll her eyes. “Don’t worry, he isn’t interested in stealing your gay-berry, he just wanted to see if you’d suffered the same fate as Thor and Bruce.”

“Really? And here I was already planning the perfect evening,” Tony pouted playfully. “I had the date and place picked out and everything. It’s not too swanky but not too dive-ish, just the perfect level of ease that incorporates the best of both.”

“Sorry to spoil your plans, Stark,” Clint smirked. “So, you haven’t noticed anything off yet? Anything itch that doesn’t usually? Clothes feel a bit tight? Have you checked your armor lately?”

“If you’re asking if I have some horrible disease, the answer is no, Pepper had me tested regularly,” Tony snarked off before he picked up the last comment. “And what about my suit? Did you do something to it? JARVIS, check the suits, stats.”

“Of course, sir,” The AI responded immediately.

Natasha let out another hum and slowly lowered her cup. Okay, those hums were seriously starting to freak Clint out. The only time he ever heard those were through the comm before she killed someone very slowly and very, very painfully.

“Sir,” JARVIS came back, “All of the suits have been checked and they are all cleared, working at one hundred percent though the Mark Two-Seven-Four is running low on oil.”

“Fill her up,” Tony ordered, turning to face Clint. “Why did you ask about my suits if nothing is wrong with them?”

Clint snorted and opened his mouth to reply but before he could, the elevator dinged to signal yet another arrival. There was no need to look though as the moment the doors opened, a voice sounded.

“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU! I HATE YOU, DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND ME, I HATE YOU! I DO NOT LOVE YOU, I DO NOT WANT TO HUG YOU OR KISS YOU, I JUST WANT TO KILL YOU!!” Darcy came out of the elevator, glaring at her iPod as she stabbed at it repeatedly with her finger. “WHY THE HELL WON’T YOU PLAY ANYTHING ELSE, THERE ARE SIX-HUNDRED FREAKING SONGS, I KNOW THERE IS BECAUSE I DONWLOADED THEM AND BECAUSE YOU HAVE THEM LSITED RIGHT THERE, YET YOU KEEP PLAYING THIS STUPID SONG, WHY WON’T YOU STOP YOU STUPID THING! I DON’T LOVE YOU, I HATE YOU, I WANT TO TEAR OUT YOUR INTESTINES AND STRANGLE YOU WITH THEM BEFORE DEEP FRYING YOUR ASS WITH JUST MY TASER!”

“Uh, Darcy?” Bruce stepped forward and held a hand out to her. “Baby, what’s the matter?”

Darcy looked up from her iPod and let out a huff of air as she jerked the earplug from her ear and held the music player out, waiving it around manically. “This, this idiotic piece of crap keeps singing at me in this annoying voice! It keeps singing ‘I love you, you love me, we’re all one big family’ and going on about hugging and kissing and why the hell won’t it play something else!”

Tony gamefully kept from laughing as he waited for Darcy to finish her little rant before he said quite seriously, “Do you not like Barney?”

Darcy let out a low screech and reached into her pants pocket. Clint was still on the floor and he laughed all the harder when Bruce jumped forward and quickly grabbed Darcy, swinging her around and away from Tony before she could get her taser out.

Steve and Bucky chose that moment to come in via the stairs and they both took in the scene with confused eyes before ‘Star Spangled Man’ began blaring through the speakers. Everyone jumped at the sudden noise and Darcy’s finger twitched on the trigger, making her tase Clint who was unfortunately in the line of fire. Steve blushed a deep red as he recognized the song and Bucky’s mouth lifted into a smirk. He clapped Steve on the back with a soft chuckle while everyone else looked around as they tried to figure out the how and why.

“JARVIS, cut the noise,” Tony called out.

“My apologies, sir, but it seems my protocols have been overridden and I am unable to counteract certain actions,” The AI informed them over the continued noise of Captain America’s theme song.

“By who?” Tony demanded.

“I am unable to say, sir,” JARVIS replied. “It is against the override protocols.”

Natasha calmly finished her coffee before she made herself a fresh cup. Once the song ended, she arched a challenging brow. “I warned you, repent now and I may forgive you your sins.”

“Lady Nat?” Thor turned to her, his brow furrowed in confusion. “You did all of this?”

“What did I do?” Darcy gaped. “I didn’t do anything, I swear!”

“I thought only a priest could forgive sins and all that,” Tony gave her a considering look. “Miss Romanoff, did you get ordained and not tell us? You do know that to be a priest you have to give up sex and become a prude like Capsicle here, right? And, of course, you have to be a man, at least I’m sure that’s the way it works. Of course, if you’re looking for a sex change, I know this excellent plastic surgeon-”

“Tony, you’re not helping,” Steve cut in. “Natasha, perhaps-”

Natasha grinned and sauntered up to him. She peeked at him from beneath her lashes and offered him a sultry smirk, “You can’t sweet talk me down, Captain, I gave you fair warning last night and that’s more than I usually give.” She turned and spun around him, continuing on her way out of the room, stopping long enough to nudge Clint and be sure he was still alive.

He gave a weak groan and she nodded to herself before leaving. She would make each and every one of them pay until they all came clean. No matter what it took.

“Wait,” Tony called out when she was halfway down the hall. “What about me? What’d you do to me?”

“You’ll find out soon enough, Stark,” She called back with a smirk.

“Come on, it can’t be too bad, right?” He tried cajoling her. “I mean, dyed hair, 40’s propaganda music, Barney, it can’t be that bad, right? Nat? Natasha?”

Natasha continued to ignore him as she turned down the hall with guest rooms and slipped into Clint’s room. She refused to step into her own room until they put it back to rights. Just the thought of what was done was enough to set her blood boiling but she refused to add more red to her ledger, so instead she would find subtler ways of getting even. And if she happened to enjoy it, all the better.

Bucky watched her go, smirk still on his face as he watched the rest of the group. “So what the hell did you do to piss her off so much?”

“I have no clue,” Darcy whimpered, eying her IPod sadly. “But can we please figure it out so we can get whoever is responsible?”


	3. Clint's Assistance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I have been going through and editing because I just could not leave Bucky out so a few minor changes are present and for those of you who liked the idea of Coulson helping in the pranking, I’m sorry to inform you that this is one of those changes. Unfortunately, he is no longer helping at this point.

After working together for six years, Agent Phil Coulson knew that of all his assets, Clint Barton was the most playful while Natasha Romanoff was, simply put, evil. He would never admit this to anyone, even under threat of death, but it was the truth and having the two of them working together never bode well. So when he came upon them in his room at Avenger’s Tower, laughing and giggling like a couple of high school girls (Clint was laughing while Natasha simply smirked, but for her that was the equivalent of a full on laugh), he knew trouble was brewing.

“What are you doing?”

Clint glanced up guiltily, shooting Natasha a quick look before he bent back over whatever he was doing.

“The team and Darcy decided it would be a good bonding exercise to prank Tasha,” He answered. “So Tasha is getting even. I’m helping her.”

He could feel a migraine starting up behind his eyes. Anything involving Tony Stark was enough to spark a headache, but add in Jane Foster’s friend Darcy and the rest of the Anger’s, and it was the beginnings of a three day long migraine. “What, may I ask, did they do?”

“They went into my room,” Natasha looked up at him, her arched brow saying, ‘need I say more?’ and ’they deserve the fate I deal them’.

“When did this happen?”

“The night before we returned,” Clint chuckled darkly and set aside a container that looked very much like a soap mold. “Tasha warned them but none of them would come clean.”

“JARVIS was able to show video of all of them entering my room and staying for several hours,” Natasha filled him, already knowing his next question. “But I disabled the cameras in my room so there’s no knowing who did what unless they tell themselves.”

Coulson knew there was no talking Natasha down at this point. He did not have to see the smile on her lips to know how mad she was. Last time she got this mad was when Clint made the mistake of painting her favorite set of knives pink. In retaliation, Natasha covered all of his bows in glitter lube. “So what did you do today?”

“She cut Thor’s hair to look like Tony’s and added red highlights, dyed Bruce’s hair green, switched Darcy’s music out for Barney’s ‘I Love You’ song and made copies which were all renamed to match her original music list- she got the iPod, iTunes, flashdrive, and computer copies,” Clint declared proudly. “And then she made it so that every time Steve entered a room, the Captain America song would play and if he stayed in one room too long, it would play it at random times. It went off at one point while he was on the phone with Director Fury.”

“Yes, I heard about that incident,” Coulson could not hold back the grin. Fury had looked surprised for a moment at the music and that was not something that happened very often. “How did you manage access to Thor and Bruce’s hair?”

“Waited for the lug to fall asleep, once he was out it was a piece of cake. With his snoring, any noise I did make was covered,” Natasha shrugged. “As for Bruce, I slipped a sleeping powder into his drink.”

“Was that all?”

“Nope,” Clint grinned. “In addition to random bouts of ‘Star Spangled Man’, we learned that every time one of the couples got a little too close or affectionate, the sprinklers would go off.”

“So I take it Jane and Darcy are now sequestered in one of the guest rooms?” Coulson asked.

“No, they can sleep in the same room or even the same bed, but anything more than sleeping, even a simple kiss, and JARVIS will activate the sprinklers,” Natasha informed him. “Same goes for Tony, if he gets a little friendly with himself or instigate sexting or phone sex or anything of the sort, sprinklers activate. I also exchanged his shampoo for nair, though it might be a few days before he notices the effect.”

“What is keeping Stark from having JARVIS stop all of this?”

“I called Pepper,” Natasha smirked as she finally looked up from her project. “She granted me administrative rights over JARVIS. He now follows my commands before Tony’s.”

Coulson let out a slow breath and wearily ran a hand over his forehead. He set his travel bag down and moved closer to see what it was they were doing. Sure enough, there was a soap mold sitting on his bedside stand, the liquid already firming into a bar of soap and there was a pile of purple sweatpants piled on his bed which Natasha was cutting the price tags from. Off to the side, there was a box of hair dye and a large cardboard box that he was not sure he wanted to know the contents of.

“So what are your plans for tomorrow?” He finally asked.

Natasha gave him an appraising look before she nodded to Clint. His grin widened as he held up a small box. Flipping the lid open, he showed Coulson the contents. “Today was just being nice, tomorrow we’re stepping it up.”

“Of course, everything from today will carry over to tomorrow,” Natasha said as she handed Clint a glue gun. “I want them to build up until they all confess what they did.”

“With Stark you’ll be waiting a while,” Clint snorted.

“I give him a week at the most,” Natasha replied as she pulled out a computer and began typing commands.

“I say two weeks,” Clint argued and gave an evil chuckle.

Coulson shook his head at the two. “Barton, Romanoff, when was the last time you two slept?”

“Last night,” Clint answered as he hobbled up, reaching for his crutches.

“Sleep can wait until they’ve confessed,” Natasha answered and muttered darkly under her breath. “I will not enter that room until they’ve fixed their wrongs.”

Yes, it was certainly going to be a long week. Rubbing his head to stave off the headache coming on, he picked up his things and decided to utilize one of the spare rooms. “Just don’t get too out of hand, agents.”

“No promises, sir,” Clint chirped. He waited until the door was shut before he turned to Natasha. “So, what level are we going for, anyway? Simple ‘welcome to SHIELD let’s see if you survive’ or ‘you’re a pain in my ass so leave before I kill you’?”

“We’re implementing the ‘Might Avenging Turtles’ plan.” She pushed the computer aside and looked up when he started practically vibrating with glee.

“This. Is. Going. To. Be. So. Fucking. AWESOME,” He bounced in place with a wide smile. “Captain isn’t going to sleep until he’s sure you’re not going to pull any pranks on him like you did the others, but he’s down in the gym so we should be good. I can be in and out in no time. Getting Bruce, Darcy, and Thor will be the trouble.”

“It’s nothing you can’t handle, Barton,” Coulson assured him dryly as he came back into the room. “And if it is, then obviously it’s time for us to step up your training schedule.”

Natasha held out the finished bar of soap to Clint, “Barton, go ahead and slip this in Cap’s bathroom.”

Coulson looked at the bar warily, “You’re replacing Captain Roger’s soap?”

“Yup,” Clint grinned.

“With what?”

Natasha looked up at him with a blank face, “You won’t approve.” He arched an eyebrow in return and she gave a subtle dip of her head. “It’s soap laced with stimulants. The water will activate them and they will be absorbed through his skin, taking effect an hour or two after his shower.”

Coulson gave in to the need to palm his face. In front of the others, he would not have shown this much of a reaction, but with these two, it was called for. “You are dosing Captain America with sexual endorphins?”

“Yes,” She answered easily. “He won’t be walking around with an erection like if I slipped him a Viagra. This way, he’ll suffer all of the other side effects of being aroused, of course he still chances an erection but it won’t be medically induced. Now, come check these codes.”

Coulson did not say anything as he sat on the edge of the bed, watching as she grabbed another box from his closet and added the sweatpants and box of dye before she grabbed both boxes and headed for the door. “Coulson, once you’re done with that, you are free to go. Clint, when you’re done, go ahead and start on Thor. I’ll join you when we’re done.”

“Be sure to get the laundry room, too,” Clint called out softly. He waited until she was gone before he turned to Coulson. “So what has she got you doing?”

Coulson looked down at the coding before him and frowned as he looked over the coding. “She’s changing JARVIS’s program codes, making it so that they read ancient Elvish.”

“Seriously?” Clint’s eyes widened at the prospect and he hobbled over to look for himself. “I’ll be damned,” He muttered. Something else caught his eye and he choked back a laugh as he pointed it out, “She’s evil. Not only is she changing the code language, but she’s changing the spoken language, too. Starting at five, JARVIS will be speaking Orc.”

“Orc?” Coulson pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep, calming breath. Once more, he was faced with the all too real truth that his best assets were, while unparalleled in skill, still deeply damaged. “I knew allowing you two to watch Lord of the Rings was a mistake and the Director did warn me against it.”

“Come on, Coulson, you know you enjoyed it,” Clint smirked.

He shot the agent a glare and Clint took it in stride as he tucked the soap bar in his pocket and ducked out of the room carrying another box and the glue gun. Coulson shot the computer another look. Yes, his agents were undoubtedly damaged and if ever he doubted it before, it was confirmed that he had in fact been relegated to babysitting detail. Who knew that being the SHIELD liaison with the Avengers would be so entertaining? Sighing to himself, he got up and went to his dresser, grabbing himself a fresh change of clothes before he went back to his newly acquired room. Whatever else his agents had in mind, he would just have to take it in stride.

“Hey, Agent, I think someone wants to talk to you,” Tony’s voice piped up from nowhere and Coulson’s hand twitched for his taser. “Come on, don’t be like that, you know you love my voice. That being said, perhaps you should let the call go to voicemail that way you can keep hearing my awesome voice.”

Coulson glanced down as he realized the voice was coming from his pocket. Not just his pocket though, but his phone. He pulled it out as Tony’s voice continued to ramble. “Of course, it is the Pirate King so you should really hit that ‘Fuck You’ button. Then again, it’s not really a ‘Fuck You’ button since no one’s actually getting anything, so perhaps we should rename it. Perhaps I should program the new Stark phones to read ‘Fuck Off’ instead of ‘Ignore’. What do you think, Agent? Or maybe-”

The display showed that it was in fact Director Fury and he let out a calming voice before he answered. On second thought, perhaps he should try to reign his agents in. “We might have a situation, Nick.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Props to my girl Winter Waters who convinced me that JARVIS speaking Orc is simply not enough and that having his code read ancient elvish was the way to go, and also for steering me away from the much used Klingon. Also, to clarify since it was pointed out before, yes, the propaganda music plays every single time Cap enters a room, both at AT and on the helicarrier and I really do believe he is close to locking himself in a closet....though that wouldn't put a stop to anything since JARVIS will just mainstream the music then.. Natasha holds a mean grudge, what can I say?


	4. Day 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so no special note for today other then to say here is the awesomeness of Day 2 where we get a hint at what happened to set off poor Nat and I know everyone is dying to know what the hell could have happened, but it is so much fun to draw it out. And only one more revision left before I get to whole new chapters so get ready for it.

The second day started off even more beautifully than the first, at least in Natasha’s mind it did. Anyone who was still asleep at nine the next morning was instantly awake when a high pitched shriek sounded. The noise carried through to the other floors of the tower and Natasha and Clint shared matching smirks of approval as they rushed down to Bruce’s room. The rest of the tower inhabitants met them along the way, all in various states of dress. Thor was already fully clothed (his hair was still red and blond since he refused to let anyone bleach it, he actually kind of liked the red streaks since they did in fact match his cape- much to Clint and Tony’s amusement) while Jane wore one of his t-shirts which completely swallowed her small body. Tony came stumbling out in his pajamas, black silk lounge pants and a wife beater and behind him were Steve and Bucky. Bucky was dressed in jeans and a white thermal shirt while Steve was in his usual slacks and a long sleeve plaid shirt and they were both really shiny. Natasha almost, almost, stumbled when she saw how shiny they were. She chanced a look at Clint who offered a full blown smile.

‘ _Glitter body powder_ ,’ He mouthed.

Coulson was one of the last ones to join them, dressed as impeccably as always and frowning at Clint who grinned unabashedly, wearing nothing but his blue and black plaid boxers. Natasha ignored them both as they came upon Bruce and Darcy in their room. Bruce was off to the side, trying to calm Darcy down as she cursed and railed at the room in general.

Everyone looked around and there were suppressed snickers by most of them. There were stuffed animals arranged all around the room, ranging from small two-inch dolls to a giant five-foot plush, all of them purple dinosaurs with arms outstretched, and waiting for a hug. Well, except for the pile sitting by the bed who were all headless and some of which were missing an arm or leg, their fluffy white stuffing hanging out sadly.

“I’m going to kill all of them,” Darcy was seething as the group came in. 

“Darcy, they’re just stuffed animals,” Bruce tried calming her. “They’re kid toys based off some television show.”

“I don’t care what they are, he’s a creepy ass ancient dinosaur who keeps asking for hugs and declaring his love to millions of people who don’t seem to realize that he’s just a pedophile in a suit!” The woman continued to rant, “I’m going to tear their furry little heads off, stuff them down their throats and laugh gleefully while I watch their fuzzy little insides boil and burn to a crisp!”

She finally gave up trying to tear the stuffed toys apart and finally looked up at Bruce, a pout on her face as she blew a strand of hair out of her face, “And to top it all off, my hair is purple!” She huffed like it was the worst thing imaginable. “Not just purple either, but Barney purple, how horrible is that!”

“I think it looks good on you,” Jane ventured carefully. “And it’s not Barney purple at all; it’s more…more violet than anything. Oh, and it will really go with that dress you bought the other day!”

Darcy rounded on her friend, hand raised and mouth open for another rant but she paused for a moment. She had a considering look on her face before she slowly nodded, her mouth forming into a smug smile. “You’re right, it totally matches my new dress.”

“See, that’s good,” Jane smiled, breathing a sigh of relief. “And we can always die it back whenever you want to.”

“True,” Darcy pursed her lips and tugged a strand of hair in front of her eyes to study it. “You know, I think I actually like this color. I might keep it,” She grinned proudly before one of the Barney dolls caught her eye. “But those have got to go.”

Bruce intercepted her again before she could get too far. “Why don’t we gather them all up in a box and we can dump them? Or maybe donate them someplace?”

Darcy thought for a moment before she nodded, “Let’s take them to the roof and watch them all burn. I had that stupid freaking song stuck in my head all last night!” She glared around the room at all of the dolls accusingly. “I want them to pay.”

“Deal,” Bruce readily agreed.

“And I second that, so long as I don’t get tased again,” Clint smiled.

“And by the way, I’d like to point out that you shot the whole ‘purple pants’ idea down before and I do not see why,” Tony said smiling and offered Bruce a big wink. “You look fabulous.”

The couple seemed to notice everyone else then and Bruce rubbed his head shyly, blushing as he looked down at the purple sweatpants he wore. “Well, I, uh, they’re not really my style but they’re the only thing here. All of my clothes seemed to have disappeared during the night and the only thing left were a bunch of these.”

“Really?” Stark hummed thoughtfully and turned to face Natasha. “Is this another playful prank by our little Widow?”

Natasha stared at him blankly and focused on Darcy. “You try to get rid of any of them, and the next time you wake up, you will find yourself in a Barney catsuit, glued in place.”

Darcy paled at the thought and quickly shook her head, “No way, no more Barney, please, I beg you.” The woman rushed forward and dropped to her knees in front of Natasha, “I am literally begging you, no more Barney! Whatever I have to do, I’ll do it, I swear!”

“Is she really that afraid of Barney?” Tony frowned, turning to Jane.

“No, she just really, really hates the song,” Bruce smiled tightly.

Thor looked around the group, a look of utter confusion on his face. “Who is this Barney?”

Jane practically melted on the spot and gave him a look that said he was just too adorable as she patted his arm.

Bucky laughed and playfully wrapped an arm around Thor’s shoulders, “Don’t worry, kid, I’ll explain later.”

He nodded in acceptance but still looked confused.

Natasha looked down at Darcy who was still kneeling. She held no pity for the woman but if she was willing to come clean, so be it. “I told you before, all you have to do is come clean and it will all stop, you’ll get your music back and you can dispose of the dolls any way you see fit.”

“Alright, then I confess, I’m the one who ate the last of the poptarts even though I denied it, but they were so good, and I finished off the coffee yesterday and didn’t bother to make a new pot even though I know Tony hates when I do it, and I tried to hack into Coulson’s phone but it totally didn’t work even though I really wanted to see what was on it-”

“Not that,” Natasha cut in coldly. “What did you do in my room?”

“Oh, that,” The woman laughed nervously. “Well, I’m the one who convinced Bruce to help because I thought it would be really fun and I tried to get Jane to help but she said she wanted no part in it and then I’m the one who picked out the white and pink floral sheets and decided to add the porcelain doll because I thought it was so cute, it reminded me of you with the red hair and the frilly white dress was just too cute and I couldn’t resist, but I swear that was all, I swear it!”

“You didn’t do anything else in there? Nothing at all?” Natasha asked for reaffirmation.

“No, nothing,” Darcy shook her head empathetically.

Natasha watched her for a moment more, noticing the sheen of sweat covering her forehead before she gave a regel nod. “Good. You are not the one I’m looking for then.”

Darcy’s breath whooshed out in relief and she visibly sagged before she looked up again. “Wait, so you weren’t mad about the sheets or the doll?”

“No, sheets can be changed and the pink flowers are so pale they’re barely noticeable,” Natasha shrugged carelessly. “As for the doll, I like it and I think I’ll keep it. Thank you, Darcy.”

“Uh, you’re welcome?” She offered, unsure of how to react.

Everyone was quiet as they absorbed everything. Of course, JARVIS chose that moment to play Steve’s song, making everyone look over. And that was when everyone else noticed the two men’s new shiny status.

“Oh my God,” Tony stared, “You’re so shiny. I thought Fury was the vampire, what do you know. Hmm.”

“You are covered in glitter,” Jane gaped, “A lot of glitter.”

“They’re so sparkly,” Darcy whined and looked at Bruce plaintively. “Can I keep them?”

Steve shifted uncomfortably under all of the attention and Clint made it worse when he walked over and wrapped an arm around his waist. “You know, I never would have taken you for the type, but if you’re up to it we can go on that date Tony was planning.”

“Hey, the date was for you and me,” Tony said in mock outrage before grinning lasciviously. “But Steven can always join us, you know three most definitely isn’t a crowd in my book.” He switched his gaze to Bucky on the other side and winked, “And four is even better, sweet cheeks.”

“Alright you bozos, that’s enough,” Bucky finally came to the rescue and Steve sent him a grateful smile.

“Well, it wasn’t my idea,” He offered up once everyone had quieted down. 

Bucky grimaced as he rubbed a hand across his collarbone, “Yea, we were working out in the gym when one of the bags busted and glitter just came pouring out. We both tried to wash it off but it didn’t help.”

“Sorry, bud, but that would be glitter dust,” Clint laughed and Tony smirked.

Bucky groaned and cursed under his breath, “Damn, I was afraid you were going to say that.”

“Yea, that means it won’t wash off,” The billionaire chuckled. “Water will just cause it to spread.”

Steve yelped, “What?”

“What Mr. Stark is trying to say, Captain, is that any attempts to wash the glitter away will simply result in it becoming more widespread,” Coulson informed him flatly. “Unless you go about it the right away.”

“I can tell you, if you-”

Natasha cut Tony off before he could say anything more, “No, Stark. If you try to assist in removing the glitter in any way, I will make your life even more of a hell than I already plan to.”

Tony perked up and honest-to-God looked excited. “Really? You know, we’re seeing what you’ve done to everyone else the last two days but I have yet to experience anything. I wonder why that is.”

She smirked in response, “You just haven’t been looking in the right places.”

“Really?” His face dropped as he mentally began cataloging. “JARVIS, do a me a favor and run diagnostics.”

There was a garbled string of noises and everyone looked up at the ceiling.

“What on Earth…” Jane’s face scrunched up as the noise cut off. “What was that?”

“That was JARVIS,” Clint told them as Natasha turned to leave. “I guess now you know what today’s payment is.”

“You touched JARVIS?” Tony looked scandalized as if Natasha had been caught doing something truly scandalous. “What did you do to him, you evil vixen? JARVIS, switch back to English this minute.”

There was another garbled string of noise and Natasha arched a challenging eyebrow, “That’s not going to work. As of yesterday, I have administrative rights over JARVIS and I have ordered him not to listen to you.”

“What if there’s some life-threatening attack by some alien or another?” Tony whined. “How can I be Iron Man without JARVIS? I need JARVIS, you simply have to get him back.”

The last line came out as an order but she ignored him as she headed for the elevator. “In the event of a battle, JARVIS will be accessible in the suit and he will speak English, but only during the time of battle and only if it pertains to the battle at hand,” She looked over her shoulder to see his shoulders sag. “So there won’t be any sneaking off or ordering yourself back into command. I’ll still have control.”

Tony glared at her and resolutely marched over to one of his computer panels, typing in several commands to pull up a screen that displayed a page of coding. He frowned at it for a moment and both his eyebrows rose as he studied it. “What is this? This is not English, is this even my code? I don’t think this is my code. What did you do to my code?”

He continued to grumble under his breath. Natasha did not say anything else as she left to go back to the communal floor. Steve watched her go and shifted uncomfortably.

“What could we have done that is so bad?” He asked the group.

Darcy looked over from collecting the Barney dolls and offered a shrug, “I don’t know, but the moment we find out, tell me so I know what not to do.”

“You think this is bad?” Clint snorted. “She’s just getting started.”

“You’re pulling our leg, right?” Steve turned to see Coulson shaking his head.

“Agent Romanoff takes her privacy very seriously,” He informed them. “Agent Barton and myself were not allowed into her private quarters until two years after she was assigned to SHIELD.”

“Two years, seriously?” Bruce glanced towards the elevator where the assassin had left through.

“The first time I tried sneaking in, she pinned me to the wall and held a knife to my balls,” Clint informed them glibly. “That was a year into our partnership.”

“You think this is bad?” Bucky chortled. “You should have seen what she was like back when we worked together. The woman could really hold a grudge then and the way she went about getting revenge, it was pure evil.”

Steve shifted again and resisted the urge to scratch. His skin itched, it felt stretched and too tight over his muscles and there was a slow heat building that he was positive was caused by the glitter. It was bad enough that he would have to put up with the team’s ribbing over being covered in the glitter, but add in the heat and itchiness, not to mention having the sparkling mess in places he really did not need it, and he was sure that he was in hell and there was no way he was going to say something to anyone else. He cast a surreptitious look Bucky’s way and saw the traces of a real honest-to-God smile as he watched Natasha walk away. Yea, definitely not going to talk to Bucky. He doubted he had done anything serious enough to warrant Natasha’s wrath, but he could not leave his teammates to her mercy either. He would hold out as long as the others, but if this was just the beginning, he was beginning to fear what the coming days had to hold for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Goodness, I do so love Darcy- I sympathize on the whole Barney angle- and Steve is such a goody-goody that I actually feel bad for poisoning his soap (only a teeny tiny bit though)...but at the same time, I can't stop giggling when I picture him being stuck in a day-long meeting with Fury hehe. So, let me know what you think and if you have any ideas or requests on how to further torture the men, go ahead and shoot 'cause things can always get better ;)
> 
> -Kaitera


	5. Bucky Joins the Game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **A/N:** I just want to start off by apologizing. I cannot begin to say how sorry I am. After revising everything, Cap2 previews had been out and I kept putting it off and then I figured I’d just wait and see Cap 2 before updating and then I saw Cap 2 and it just broke me. Like, broke me dead. I was debating whether or not I wanted to try and incorporate the new timeline or if I should ignore it or what. In the end, I said fuck it, it doesn’t really matter all that much. That being said, I am extremely sorry for the oh-so-long wait and I am eternally grateful for all those who’ve stuck through the wait and to those who have continued to subscribe and favorite Revenge. I shall adore each and every one of you forever!!
> 
>  **A/N 2:** A while back, I had someone comment (RosalieRowan) that Revenge was a funny little story and who asked if I ever thought of doing a serious Avengers story and I completely blame you for this!!! The plan was for this to be a light, airy, goofy little thing and now I’m writing and I have feels and thoughts and I blame you!! That being said, I hope all of you enjoy this long overdue update. Be sure to let me know what you think. And as always, if you have prank ideas, let me know.

Bucky scrubbed the towel across his chest as he exited the bathroom, absently checking for stray glitter as he crossed to his dresser. He pulled out a pair of sweatpants and another Henley.

“Is this still a habit of yours? Just breaking into your teammates’ rooms?”

He turned around to see Natasha perched on the edge of his bed, completely unselfconscious.

“It’s not breaking in when the door is already unlocked,” She challenged with a tilt of her lips.

He offered a chuckle before he dropped the towel from around his waist and pulled on the sweatpants. “Yea, maybe so. Glad to see you haven’t changed too much.”

“Can’t really say the same for you,” She replied, tilting her head minutely. “But that’s not necessarily a bad thing, is it? You’re more… relaxed. More…”

“Me?” He offered glibly.

“Yes.”

 “There are some days where I don’t rightly know who the hell I am.” Natasha tilted her head but offered no response. He chuckled darkly as he rubbed a hand through his hair, shooting a glance down at his metallic arm. He flexed the hand, watching as each individual joint moved. “Sometimes, I’ll wake up in the morning and it feels like I still have my arm and then I look down and catch sight of this thing and I catch myself wondering where the hell it came from. And then I remember. There are times where I’m just Bucky, and then I get flashes of when I was the Winter Soldier. Some days, it’s no problem and God knows those shrinks at SHIELD have tried to fix me, but there’s no real fixing what’s been broken as bad as I am because on the days when it’s not no problem, things go bad fast. When the Winter Soldier takes over completely, or when the two sides blur together and I can’t tell friend from foe. Those are the worst.”

“It’s because you focus on it too much.”

Bucky glanced up, finding her looking out of the window, her eyes unfocused.

“Ten years ago, I decided that I’d had enough and that I wanted out. When I learned that Hawkeye was assigned to take me out, I decided I wanted him to be the one to do it. He was the best marksmen I’ve ever heard of. I wanted him to kill me and I made myself a perfect target so he would. Only, being the idiot that he is, he decided to make a different call. Pissed Coulson and Fury off big time; lost his own status for a while afterwards. After I was vetted, I was granted status as a probationary asset. Shortly after, I was assigned to Strike Team Delta with Clint and Coulson. That was nine years ago,” Natasha turned her gaze to him. “I am used to playing different roles, of acting as whoever I need to be to accomplish a mission. When I first joined SHIELD, I tried to reconcile my old life with my new. I tried to balance my life in the Red Room and as a freelance assassin with my new life as a SHIELD agent. It took me two years to accept Clint and Coulson because I was busy trying to fight myself. They were the ones who helped me in the end. It was just small things. Whenever they were out on a mission, they would pick up a trinket for me. Nothing major, sometimes it would be something as simple as a wildflower they stumbled across. It never failed, at the end of each mission, I would have something waiting for me at the door to my quarters. It took two years and a fairly idiotic speech from Clint before I realized that they weren’t doing it to curry my favor or win me over, they got them for no other reason than to let me know that they thought about me, even if I was on the mission with them. They made me realize that despite my past, they still accepted me. They knew of my past but they saw past it; they saw the little girl I was and could see the woman that I could become. With them, I wasn’t simply the Black Widow or Natalia Alianovna Romanova— I was Natasha Romanoff.”

Bucky absently rubbed at his hair with the towel, not saying anything as he contemplated her words. Years ago, he’d been her instructor at the Red Room and while they’d often exchanged conversation, he’d never known her to talk in such depth. And what she said had merit. Years— hell, decades— ago, he’d been Bucky. He was born and raised in Brooklyn, New York, had grown up with scrawny little Steve Rogers before they’d each gone on to join the Army through their own means. Bucky had become a Sergeant while Steve had gone on to become the juiced up Captain America who everyone knew and loved. And then he’d fallen off that train.

After that, he spent years going back and forth between being a giant ice cube and killing. His mind had been wiped so many times that he doubted if he’d ever have his entire memory back. He’d been cultivated in the perfect assassin— the Winter Soldier.

But now… Now he was both of those people, but at the same time he wasn’t really either.

“How can I be both, when I’m not either of them?” He asked her.

Natasha stood, uncrossing her legs and moving with a deliberate ease as she moved to place a hand on his right shoulder. She danced her fingers along where metal met skin, eyes traveling over the seam. He tried to ignore the feeling as her fingers brushed over scar tissue and mapped their way across his skin without hesitation. It had been years since anyone other than himself or doctors had touched his arm that it was almost surreal.

“The same way I am. I both compartmentalize and embrace the different aspects of myself. There are parts of the Winter Soldier you do not wish to ever encounter again, and so you lock them away. Those parts of him that you may not like but know you need, you set aside for use when you take on the mantle of Soldier for the Avengers. And as for those parts of him that you accept and embrace as yourself, you keep.” She smiled up at him, her hand trailing along his arm, nails lightly dipping into various grooves. “You may have been Bucky first and he may play a big part in who you are now, but there are aspects of the Winter Soldier who are just as much part of you now. You take those two pieces and you cultivate them into who you are now.”

“And who is that?” He snorted. His eyes dipped down to where their hands were interlocked, cold metal and warm flesh weaving in and out of each other.

“Yourself. You’re Sergeant James Barnes.” She answered with a small laugh like the answer should have been obvious. “Like you said, you’re both yet neither. You’re a new person now. While on missions, you can be the Soldier and around Steve and anyone else you’re comfortable with, you can be Bucky. And for everywhere between, you can go by your rank, by James, Barnes, Sergeant Barnes if you want, or anything else you choose to answer to.”

A chuckle burbled up out of his throat. “Yea, your little bird friend has already taken to calling me Sergeant Buck.”

Her lips twitched in an aborted smile. “He does like to test boundaries. Just ignore him and he’ll settle down.”

“Does that mean he’ll stop shooting q-tips at me with his little floss and popsicle stick bow?”

“No,” She laughed. “You have to watch for nerf darts, too, and anything else that he can prove aerodynamic enough.”

“World’s best archer and all that jazz?” He laughed.

“Hey, it’s best marksman!”

Natasha didn’t react to her partner’s voice, she continued to hold Bucky’s hand while his head jerked up to the air vent in the far corner of his room. He narrowed his eyes as the cover slid open to reveal a grinning Clint Barton.

“Don’t worry, I haven’t been here too long,” The archer assured them as he flipped down to the floor, a large messenger bag slung around his shoulders which clinked as he landed.

“Just since I mentioned wanting out?” Natasha shot over her shoulder, offering Bucky another smile before she turned to face Clint. “Where are the others?”

“Bruce, Darcy, and Coulson are watching Dog Cops— no worries, it’s a repeat,” Clint smiled as jumped up to perch on Buck’s dresser. “Tony left to go whine to Rhodey about how you stole JARVIS and is trying to convince him to tell you to give him back. Apparently, Steve has a date with some girl he bumped into at a café today, and Thor and Jane are up on the roof.”

“Has Thor realized?” Natasha asked, moving back to sit on Bucky’s bed.

Clint chuckled, “Not yet. He’s only been back for four days. Probably be a few more days or until we get a call out before he pulls away from Jane long enough to notice something is different.”

She made a soft noise of assent as she contemplated her options. “We can hold off on Thor tonight, give him time before we move to the next stage. As for the others, we’ll proceed as planned.”

“Are we still doing Darcy?”

“No, she confessed,” Natasha reminded him. “She’s absolved for now.”

Bucky clued into the conversation and frowned as he finally pulled on his shirt. “What did they do anyway?”

Clint smiled gleefully as he hopped down. He pulled a laptop from his back and moved to hand it to Natasha. “They went into her room— bad enough, I know, right?— but then they touched and moved things they really shouldn’t have and now no one wants to come clean so we’re going to make them.”

Bucky arched an eyebrow as he turned to Natasha who was staring down at her lap as she opened the laptop from the bag. She said nothing as she pulled up a few programs and began typing.

“Just how bad did they mess up?”

“We laced Steve’s soap with sexual endorphins and stimulants and we laced Tony’s shampoo and styling cream with Nair,” Clint informed him.

He plopped down on the ground and set the bag in front of him. Smiling broadly, he flipped the bag upside down, dumping out three fire extinguishers and a few boxes of dye tangled up in a brown cloth and what looked like a rubber whip.

“Just what are you two planning?” He asked hesitantly, moving to sit beside Natasha.

Clint let out a laugh that sounded more like a cackle as he began opening a box of dye. “We’re fixing to have fun. Want to join?”

Natasha didn’t bother responding, just angle the computer so he could see what she was doing.

Clint watched from the corner of his eye as his eyebrows slowly climbed up his forehead before they suddenly dipped low.

Bucky frowned as he leaned in closer and pointed to something on the screen. “That won’t work; you gotta be a bit more…”

He motioned for the computer and Natasha freely handed it over. He smiled widely as he took over typing and Clint let out a soft noise of success. “Oh yea, we’re in business now.”


End file.
